Hello all.
I’m just sitting here watching Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets before I start reading the second book, and of course I got to thinking… Which, is usually never good.
Does anyone here battle with depression? I’ve never been clinically diagnosed with it… But I know that I have been depressed for a very long time. And I don’t even understand why. Does that even make sense?! I have tried at least three different anti-depressants, but none of them have worked for me. Unfortunately after a week of each of them being in my system they made me really sick, so I had to stop taking them. So, I’ve kind of given up on finding one. It’s a daily struggle to stay positive and happy, but most days aren’t so bad. I’m extremely good at hiding it, most people would never even assume that I feel the way I do. But on the inside I’m so torn up. I beat myself up constantly… I’m just not happy with myself. It’s not something I have ever talked about, I guess because I’m embarrassed or something, I don’t know.
There are things about myself that I can change to make myself happier, but on the other hand there are some things I have no control over and it just really gets me down. For example, I really hate my body. I’ve struggled with that for YEARS. But after having a baby I especially hate my body. I can easily change this by sticking to my healthy eating / exercise plan, but sometimes I do get off track because I get discouraged. But it’s a slow process and I am working on that! The one thing I hate most about myself are my teeth. I know that might sound silly, but i am super self conscious about them. They aren’t the worst teeth in the world, but to me they’re just awful. Honestly, I’d love to have them all pulled and replaced with brand new beautiful teeth! (And that is what I’m going to do if I ever win the lottery, lol!) And the other thing is having to live with psoriasis.
I’ve had psoriasis since I was about ten years old. It can really take a toll on a person. I feel like some of my depression has stemmed from having to live with this. It started off just on my head. It wasn’t visible at all, until I would scratch the crap out of my head and there would be flakes everywhere. That was embarrassing enough. But over the years it decided to spread to other places of my body. (My back, chest, abdomen, and more visible places on my head.) You wouldn’t believe the looks people give you or the questions people ask you… It really messes with ones self esteem. Psoriasis is just super dry, itchy, flaky skin. It’s not contagious, or a freaking disease. But some people treat you like it is. My hair line has receded because of it. I hate wearing my hair up because it’s so obvious, but I just try not to care, or let it bother me. I have tried many topical medicines, shampoos, and did a study for it… Finally, my dermatologist put me on Enbrel, a self injected shot for it that you have to do everyday. Once I started it, it was GREAT. It cleared everything up, and I was so happy. But once I got pregnant I stopped the shot, and have yet to start back up again. Because it’s been so long I’m terrified to do it. I HATE needles, and especially having to inject one in myself… I know, I know, I can easily get over it and just do it if I want my psoriasis to go away. I just struggle hard with it.
I HAVE been clinically diagnosed with bad anxiety, and that doesn’t help the situation AT ALL. My anxiety is triggered so easily, by so many different things that I can’t even keep track anymore. Driving is one of them. Once I’m driving I’m fine… But thinking about doing it… Terrifies me. Which is why I haven’t gotten my license yet, and I will be 26 this year. That REALLY messes with my self esteem. I put myself down all the time, and I feel like other people look at me as a loser because of it. I always feel like I’m not good enough for my fiance and that he could do way better, yes, because I don’t drive. And then that gets me thinking of everything I’ve mentioned above, and I get super self conscious and wonder why he is even with me, and that he could do much better, and I ask myself why he would even want someone like me… I’m telling you, my thoughts run deep, and internally I feel like I’m dying sometimes. I never voice how I feel, I always bottle it all up, and I feel like one day I’m going to explode because I can never find the right way to voice how I feel. Though, my fiance is amazing, and he always reassures me that I’m wrong, and that he loves me. But he is a super confident person, and I am super self conscious and on the complete opposite end of confident it seems so easy for him. To live life, and be happy. It comes naturally. For me, I have to work for it. Does anyone else feel my pain, or at least understand?? I feel like I’m the only one, and I have no one to talk to.
What DOES get me through my days is my baby boy. Looking at him just makes every single worry disappear. He is my happy place, my heart, and my soul. I love him more than anything on this earth, and would do absolutely anything for him. Including trying my best to stay happy and positive on the day to day, no matter how hard it is for me.
I’m sorry this was so long, and probably all over the place. It’s hard for me to put into words exactly how I feel, or what’s going on in my head, because I don’t understand it myself most of the time. I just needed and outlet. To get it off of my chest, and hopefully feel a little bit better knowing someone out there is reading this.
(Also, I failed to mention that someone close to me has been battling addiction… It’s really hard to deal with because I can’t understand what they are going through. But this person has come really close to the end and it’s one of the scariest things that I’ve had to deal with. Not being able to help them is hard, and not being able to understand why they do what they do is even harder. :/)
itsjustdiana_xo 